


softer side of unbearable

by sdecci



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Character Development, Comfort/Angst, Coping, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pre-Poly, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-11-06 18:16:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11041614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sdecci/pseuds/sdecci
Summary: It starts with Anxiety, and he starts with anxiety. But a hesitant, shaky start is still a start. (The others are very proud of him for the progress he's made.)





	softer side of unbearable

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from the Marianas Trench song "Sicker Things"

He does his fatherly duty.

 

He's the heart and he wants to be comforting, wants everyone to know that they are loved, wants everyone to feel cared for.  
So when a level of trust is established so that he can enter Anxiety's room without being hissed at and told to leave immediately, he's very happy. It means that if it would be helpful for him to just be there and say things or bring him things he might need/want such as water, a snack, an extra pillow, or a different blanket just before, during, and/or after an attack, he could. And it _was_ helpful. But he has to figure that out for himself at first, because no way was An just going to say what he thought would work. He's embarrassed just to be seen by anyone during an attack! It takes twice the amount of time that it took for Patton to be allowed in that bedroom for the other to force out a request for a drink, and even longer to hear that he still enjoys stuffed animals. He just isn't allowed to touch him or be closer than a foot away from the bed. He once tried to get An to lean on him and it was met with yelling and some frantic pushing. Offered a hug and was told, _"Hell no."_ Stood too close to the bed and just about restarted the attack as it was ending. Today, both of those rules are about to be broken, but not without permission. No, today they are about to be retracted due to a new level of trust being earned, due to Ann finally being ready for it. He used to always be asked, before the other would go, "Do you want to talk about it?" He never said he did and eventually stopped being asked. Today, he tells him, "I want to talk about it this time."

 

Pat's just almost to the door when it's said, and he's so surprised by it he walks directly into the door before turning around. "Ah! Yes?" What's even more surprising is the hand motion An makes, pointing to a spot right next to his own curled up body on the bed. So he gets situated, still at least a half foot away, and exclaims, "Surely, this is something very important! What is it?" with a patient but curious expression, resisting the urge to swing an arm around the shoulders. The last thing he wants when he's just been invited this close for the first time is to make Anxiety even more uncomfortable than he probably already is.

 

"I know what I do to Thomas on a regular basis, and I know what he goes through when _I_ have an attack, and you... You really do help. I just feel like I owe someone an explanation one of these times, y'know? That someone being you."  
"Okay. Go on."  
"Well, I - I sometimes consider doing some very dangerous things. That would make me... go away."

 

He is the heart.  
And right now, thanks to that statement, the heart's heart is breaking. If An had been looking instead of avoiding eye contact, he would have been able to pinpoint the exact moment in which it began to crack. Before a counterpoint can be made, he goes on, wanting to fix it ask quickly as possible. If the comforter isn't stable and starts crying, they both will.  


 

"But I know I have my good uses. Of course I do. Like I said, I'm not always the bad guy. Logan has reminded me that I stop Thomas from doing some really stupid things sometimes that could actually get him killed. So I don't actually want to act on the idea of killing myself, even though I do think about it a lot. He does need me. You don't need to remind me right now. Maybe some other time." Queue the nervous laugh, because that last thing was too real.  


 

"I want him alive and well just as much as the rest of us. It's the reason I haven't tried anything. It's also why I feel as bad as I do when I do something that _doesn't_ help, even though it's my job. It's just what I do, it's who I am. So I was thinking maybe, because you help me personally, you might be able to address this issue to Logan and do some teamwork with him to come up with better ways to lessen the impact of my work so I don't worry about it as much. Do you, um, do you think that would be possible? I don't want to be a burden, if neither of you can help, I underst-"

 

"No, shhh, thank you, thank you so much for asking! This is progress. I'm proud of you. I'll get right to it as soon as I leave this room. Is there anything else I can do for now?"

 

"... No, that's it."

 

"Okay. Don't do anything I wouldn't while I'm gone, okay?"

 

Anxiety smirks at him as he gets up to really leave this time. "Okay. Bye."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I started typing this up, it was the first time in months I actually looked at the original draft in my notebook, and when I did, I realised it was complete garbage, so now I'm just using it as a vague outline for the general plot. This may be majorly edited in the future when I have more time for it.

**Author's Note:**

> Does anyone know if it's possible to block someone on Ao3?


End file.
